FROM THE DESK OF DR. MALEVOLENCE

Associates,

Harlequin Quay has drawn to a close with the appropriate level of confusion, maritime misplacement, and profit. While a few historians are still demanding to know what precisely happened to their banners, the broader lesson is clear: the line between celebration and sabotage is paper-thin, and we hold the scissors. Let us turn our attention now to our next orchestration—Operation Paper Crown—where ceremony itself shall prove to be our weapon.

— Dr. Malevolence

Presiding Architect of Discord & Newsletter Editor-in-Chief

QUOTE OF THE WEEK

“Appearances crown us, but substance dethrones us.” — Machiavelli

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SPONSORED MESSAGE

This week’s sponsor: VaultSafe™ Secure Storage Cubes.

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VILLAIN OF THE WEEK: Pyra Lysander — Mistress of Controlled Flames.

Pyra does not burn indiscriminately; she sculpts fire. In recent weeks, she turned a civic monument unveiling into a molten fountain and reduced an enemy convoy to smoldering cinders—all while humming an aria. Recruited into Operation Paper Crown for “illumination duties.”

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CALL TO COHORTS

Recruitment remains open for Paper Crown stagehands, banner-bearers, and chorus line distractions. Apply to Mistress Calamity before Tuesday; ability to carry props while sneering is a plus.

TOP STORIES OF THE WEEK

Harlequin Quay Concludes in Triumph (Mostly):

Our dockside misdirection campaign saw the maritime society unwittingly stage our diversions, while operatives rerouted shipments under the guise of “historic pageantry.” Successes include: the unimpeded transfer of four containers marked “banquet décor” (contents: advanced explosives), and the acquisition of several naval maps. Less successful was the unexpected enthusiasm of schoolchildren, who attempted to join the “reenactment” and had to be quietly herded away by Henchperson #418.

Foreshadowing Paper Crown:

In light of the Quay’s disruptions, regional leaders have been summoned to ceremonial appearances. We will be there. Preparations for Operation Paper Crown are under way, with costuming, forged protocols, and stage management rehearsals already in progress.

Failed Operation – “Silent Ledger Sweep”:

Despite early promise, Operative #803 returned from the Sahara Null Zone with the wrong briefcase, which turned out to contain sandwiches. While a disappointment, the sandwiches did survive three days in the desert sun—new R&D application pending.

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TRAINING & DEVELOPMENT PLAN

This week’s modules include:

Marshal Gravitas — Command Weight Without Shouting

Lady Truculent — Feigning Innocence with Contraband in Hand

Count Rasp — The Art of the Overcomplicated Trap

Madame Welkin — Hospitality as a Hostile Act

Colonel Indiscreet — Derailing Negotiations with Improvised Impropriety

Attendance is mandatory for all Operatives below designation #600.

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Cafeteria Specials (Week of Sept 1)

Monday: Salt-braised marrow stew (served with suspiciously glowing bread).

Tuesday: Glassy noodle tangle (translucent, not entirely edible, but very intimidating).

Wednesday: Roast fowl with “ash reduction” sauce.

Thursday: Petrified vegetable terrine.

Friday: “Chef’s Surprise” (note: surprise will be disclosed post-consumption).

LAB UPDATES

Lab 64: The Chrono-Sands project has stabilized to the point where time dilation can be contained in a shoebox. Henchperson #212 remains “stuck in a very long tea break” until the field is collapsed.

Lab 84: Experiments in edible steel have resulted in the invention of chewable cutlery. Cafeteria adoption pending.

Lab 206: An incident involving mislabeled crates led to three hours of spontaneous indoor weather. Maintenance requests should be filed under “drizzle damage.”

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UPCOMING SCHEMES

Operation Paper Crown (September 5): Targeting regional summits under ceremonial disguise.

Codename Black Harp (September 12): Acoustic sabotage of concert halls; disguising interference as “modern composition.”

Project Dustmantle (Continuing): Low-visibility infiltration with handshake protocols.

WRY WIT OF THE WEEK

“Never interrupt an enemy while they’re rehearsing.”

CLOSING REMARKS FROM DR. MALEVOLENCE

Associates, Harlequin Quay proved that even pageantry can be weaponized. Now we set our sights on Paper Crown. Remember, crowns may be cardboard, but power is perception. Hold steady, and when the curtains rise, let the world bow before us.

— Dr. Malevolence

Editor-in-Chief, Engineer of Awkward Timings, Keeper of the Brass Keys

WORLD DOMINATION WEEKLY

Your source for internal news, external manipulation, and refrigerated ambition.

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